If I Told You
by Meimicchi
Summary: [Spoilers for tankoubon nine on, S&S] He tries to tell her how he feels, but will he ever manage it? And...is it really worth it in the end? For Syaoran's birthday challenge 2000.


"If I Told You"  
Syaoran Birthday Challenge Fic  
by Meimi -meimi@time-stranger.net-  
7/12/00  
*Definite* spoilers for tankoubon nine on, for the whole fic. ^_^;  
  
---  
  
_ "I never told you  
you were the one I believe  
if I kissed you, would you push my face away?  
if I told you how I feel, would you have listened anyway...?"  
-razorblades and bandaides, econoline crush  
  
_ ---  
  
  
"A...Ano..."  
  
She turned towards him curiously, eyes sparkling. "Naaani?"  
  
He met her eyes.  
  
Her eyes...so pretty. So bright.  
  
Too bright.  
  
He looked down in the same instant.  
  
"Ore wa..."  
  
No matter what happened, she always looked happy...a smile was always spread across her face...  
  
Her smile that seemed to encompass everyone and everything around her...filling everyone near her with a brightness inside their hearts if they saw it.  
  
Was that what had drawn him to her like this?  
  
  
---  
---  
---  
  
  
_ "Thank you for helping me."  
  
A lace-trimmed handkerchief slipped around his arm...  
  
He found himself touching the red-stained folds over and over again that night.  
  
---  
  
  
She clutched at his sleeve desperately, eyes brimming with silvery tears.  
  
"Then help me find Oniichan!"  
  
  
---  
  
  
She looked up at him, with the eyes of not a rival- but a friend.  
  
"But we can't help it, can we? Being in love..."  
  
  
---  
  
  
Tears again.  
  
She wiped them away on a handkerchief.  
  
His.  
  
"Yasashiin da ne."  
  
  
---  
  
  
She only looked startled as she plumetted down into darkness...her eyes widening...he couldn't remember her even uttering a sound.  
  
Or had it just been that his own voice had drowned her out?  
  
"SAKURA!!!"  
  
  
---  
  
  
Silver-blue eyes narrowed into dangerous slits, yet a half-playful smile remained. "If you aren't going to be serious, then the fight is already over."  
  
Gold met silver full-force. "Wait!!...Sakura, get it together!! At this rate, the 'Disaster' will descend upon the earth!!"  
  
She looked slightly tired- the battle was taking its toll on her, and the reddening gash across her cheek made her look even more pale and exhausted. Her gaze met his eyes as it slowly traveled upwards...and his grip tightened on her shoulders.  
  
"...'Disaster'."  
  
It was barely a whisper.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
Yet her soft voice seemed to echo throughout the shrine.  
  
He held her steadily.  
  
_ He was there through it all...no matter what "Disaster" they had to face.  
  
  
---  
---  
---  
  
  
She had always been so kind to him...  
  
Kind to him in moments where he hadn't deserved even a second glance from her.  
  
Moments where he hadn't deserved that smile she so willingly offered to him.  
  
And now...  
  
"...omae ga..."  
  
He paused again, one word away.  
  
A million regrets flew into his mind.  
  
About how he knew she didn't feel the same.  
  
How he knew that telling her could only hurt her.  
  
Anything.  
  
Even the pain of not letting her know.  
  
Anything.  
  
Anything is better than...  
  
"What is it, Syaoran-kun?"  
  
What is it?  
  
It's...  
  
"...nothing."  
  
Nothing at all.  
  
  
---  
---  
---  
  
  
"Why haven't you told her yet?"  
  
"T-Told her what?" As if he didn't know.  
  
"That you love her, of course."  
  
Even *she* knew.  
  
Everyone seemed to know.  
  
Except-  
  
"Sakura-chan is the type of person, though, that won't understand your feelings unless you tell her."  
  
Except the most important person.  
  
  
---  
---  
---  
  
  
*"Why haven't you told her yet?"*  
  
The words echoed through his mind.  
  
Why.  
  
There were many reasons...so many reasons...  
  
And the most important reason had just come through the door, and swept her away to walk the Pathway of Stars.  
  
It was because...  
  
"The person she loves the best isn't me."  
  
But if only he had known that those same words were being spoken within a dark room. A room where only the light of stars illuminated a pair of jade eyes, that widened as this message was delivered...  
  
---  
---  
---  
She dragged her feet back and forth across the sand as she slowly swung, petals blowing around her.  
  
She was smiling, but it didn't reach her eyes.  
  
"...today, I told Yukito-san.  
  
  
"I told him, 'I love you'."  
  
  
The world seemed to stop.  
  
But why be so upset when he'd always known?  
  
"....did you."  
  
His grip tightened around the rope of the swing. It creaked.  
  
"But...Yukito-san said..."  
  
It creaked, and in the wind, it almost sounded like laughter. As though somewhere, someone was laughing at him. Laughing at him for letting himself have an empty hope, when he'd known all along, that...  
  
"'The person you love the best isn't me'."  
  
"...what?"  
  
She stopped tracing patterns in the sand. "And he said that my feelings for him...he said, 'Aren't they like your feelings for Otousan?'..."  
  
She smiled again. But her eyes were even more sorrowful than before.  
  
"And when I thought about it...they were...a lot alike."  
  
She shut her eyes, and then the empty smile almost seemed real. "But even so...there was just a little bit of 'love' I had for Yukito-san that was different....it was just a tiny bit, but it wasn't the same as the way I love Otousan..."  
  
Just enough to make it hurt.  
  
"...but...Yukito-san has a person he loves the best. And it's someone I love a lot, too...and I know that person loves Yukito-san the best, too...so..."  
  
She pushed off from the ground, as though to try to escape.  
  
The swing creaked. But this time, in the wind...it sounded like a sob...  
  
"So...I thought that even if Yukito-san doesn't love me like that, it's all right. Because if Yukito-san has someone he loves the best, then...I'm happy."  
  
If you're so happy, then why are you starting to cry?  
  
"Tomoyo-chan was saying it before- 'I want the one I love to be happy, more than to love me in return. Because the one I love being happy is the greatest happiness of all.' So I thought then, that since Yukito-san is happy...I can be happy, too."  
  
*If Sakura is happy...*  
  
*Then I can be happy, too.*  
  
Could he, really?  
  
"But..." She wiped away the tears, laughing slightly. "I don't really understand why, but...just a little...I wanted to cry...  
  
"But if I had cried then...and looked sad...I know Yukito-san would have been upset, so..."  
  
Because she didn't want to upset him, she stayed silent. Shed no tears, kept that smile- even if it wasn't real. And as for what she had really felt...  
  
"...you held it inside."  
  
Did he say that out loud?  
  
"...why am I crying?"  
  
*Are you really happy for him? If he had accepted your feelings, could I be happy...and even smile for you...?*  
  
*Could I be that strong?*  
  
"I really understood what Yukito-san said! I really think that if Yukito-san is happy, then I'm glad!"  
  
He held out a handkerchief.  
  
"I understand."  
  
Because if she was smiling...smiling the way she did...and it reached her eyes...  
  
Then, he could be happy, too.  
  
But just a little...just a little, there was a part of him that was sad as well.  
  
Sad because he was keeping his true feelings from her.  
  
"I...understand."  
  
More than you could ever know.  
  
Her eyes looked truly alive, now. They were overflowing with tears, but there was real emotion inside...  
  
"Thank you..."  
  
She rested her head on his shoulder, clutching the striped piece of cloth that was already nearly forgotten.  
  
"...Yukito-san told me that...I'd find someone who I would really love the best...and he would love me like that in return...  
  
"I hope I find him," she murmured wistfully.  
  
And he wanted to whisper, 'I'm right here.'  
  
"...it's all right. I know you'll find him."  
  
*I know he exists.*  
  
  
---  
---  
---  
  
  
But yet, the same question reappeared to mock him.  
  
"Why don't you tell her?"  
  
The girl tucked a lavender strand of hair behind her ear. "Why don't you tell her how you really feel?"  
  
He looked down.  
  
"...if I told her...it would upset her."  
  
His gaze drifted upwards, from her laughing features, to another with a gentle smile.  
  
"She's always loved that person...but that person loves another.  
  
.." The smile was not fully directed at her- and while the one on the recieving end of it was completely exhausted beyond belief, he returned it...ever so faintly.  
  
"And still...she didn't cry. She held her tears inside, until she talked to me. Not...not being loved the most by your loved one....she knows how that feels."  
  
When she had managed to be so strong...strong enough not to let the person she loved know her sorrow...how could he not do the same?  
  
"If I told her...how I feel, all she would think of is my sadness, and she'd be upset."  
  
And wasn't it you that was talking of a loved one's happiness? To have a loved one be happy, rather than love you in return?  
  
He closed his eyes.  
  
"So I won't tell her."  
  
"Li-kun..." Her eyes were half-shut in worry, making her look much older than her years.  
  
"What's wrong?" A blur in a pink yukata rushed up. "Come on, Tomoyo-chan!!"  
  
"Yes." The girl feigned her usual smile, but slipped him a quick glance before she turned, as though to warn him that their conversation had not yet ended.  
  
"Syaoran-kun, you come, too!!" she cried, with a sweep of her long sleeve...in a gesture that included him.  
  
He smiled at her.  
  
"Coming."  
  
Because even if he couldn't tell her...even then, she was still letting him be by her side.  
  
And just with that, he could be happy.  
  
Couldn't he?  
  
  
---  
---  
---  
  
  
A tiny globe of light floated within her hands. "It's Sakura-chan, isn't it?"  
  
"The 'Glow' card." He reached out for one of the shimmering circles, as though he expected it to pop like a bubble at his touch.  
  
He lowered his gaze.  
  
If he told her...  
  
"...Li-kun..." The soft voice reached out to him once again.   
  
"...Li-kun, you are a very kind person. I can understand why you are thinking that you mustn't let Sakura-chan be sad...but."  
  
She smiled at him reassuringly, as if she understood every thought, every frantic worry that rushed through his head.  
  
Perhaps she did.  
  
"Sakura-chan is not the kind of person, that embraces her sadness to stay sad forever."  
  
But if he told her-  
  
"Li-kun, if you tell her how you feel...she will surely accept your feelings. I believe that she will give you a very Sakura-chan-like answer."  
  
Then she vanished soundlessly, leaving him to stare at the pinpoints of light that reflected so brilliantly in the water's surface...and then to turn away...  
  
  
---  
---  
---  
  
  
_*"If you tell her how you feel...she will surely accept your feelings."*  
  
_ Her soft words echoed in his head as he walked home, the soft fabric of his yukata rustling faintly in the breeze.  
  
_*"A very Sakura-chan-like answer."*_  
  
Would she, really?  
  
Could he really tell her without making her feel sad?  
  
_*"And he would love me like that in return...I hope I find him."*_  
  
Because he had promised her.  
  
He had promised her that she would find that person, who she wished so badly to meet...  
  
  
---  
---  
---  
  
  
"...I'll go with you. Even though if this really has to do with Clow, I won't be able to do anything-"  
  
"That's not true." She clasped her hands. "Syaoran-kun always helps me."  
  
"I haven't done anyth-"  
  
Haven't helped you.  
  
Haven't told you.  
  
Nothing but watched.  
  
"No- you help me all the time. And...when I just think that Syaoran-kun is by my side...I don't need to worry."  
  
_*"If you tell her how you feel...."*  
  
_ She might not be upset.  
  
And then...  
  
"Ano...!"  
  
She looked at him in wide-eyed wonder again. "Naaani?"  
  
...and once again, he turned away.  
  
"...never mind."  
  
"Hoe?"  
  
"I'll tell you...after everything today is finished."  
  
She reached out her pinky finger yet again. "Tell me afterwards, then.  
  
"Promise."  
  
He linked his finger with hers, smiling faintly.  
  
Even if he didn't tell her now...  
  
Even if he was too afraid to say it, just yet...  
  
He would tell her.  
  
...later.  
  
Yes, later.  
  
Omae ga...iya.  
  
Sakura ga suki da.  
  
----------  
  
And the Valentine's Day fic finally gets done. XD It was going to be Valentine's, then late Valentine's, then White Day, and then it got thrown into the pit that is the "unfinished fic" folder. O_o; Thank you for doing the challenge, Meg, it got the fic written. Yatta. C&C is, as always, muchly appreciated. ^__^  
  
--Meimi 


End file.
